Self-Care is for Every Day, by Kayla Walker, LMFT

"Self-care is not selfish.
You cannot serve from an empty vessel." - Eleanor Brownn

I have a confession to make: I struggle with self-care. It’s ironic really, since the importance of self-care is one of the first things I usually talk with my clients about. I even use the “fuel in the car” metaphor: you know, “Life is like a road trip, and you (your body, your life) are the car. You can’t keep going without fuel. Self care is the fuel. You have to regularly refuel yourself to keep going in life.”

And all of that is true, of course. I know it, and I believe it — truly, I do. It’s just that with so many things on my plate, juggling multiple roles and responsibilities throughout the day, carving out time to focus on myself just seems so...minor, tedious and relatively unimportant, yet somehow overwhelming at the same time. You see, at the end of a long day of managing toddler meltdowns, potty training, nursing, laundry, making multiple meals (for the toddler), and trying to stay on top of work emails, all I really want to do is tune out and turn off. I’ll just binge watch Friends and pass out on the couch, thank you very much.

Most of us are aware that chronic stress can have negative long-term effects on our health. While it’s easy to point to high-pressure, high-stress situations as the source of chronic stress; far more often, chronic stress stems from lots of smaller stressors built up over a longer period of time. These smaller stressors may fly under the radar as simple day-to-day problems, but the physiological responses they produce are the same as in any high-stress situation: blood pressure increases, breathing becomes more rapid, digestive system shuts down, and our bodies get boosts of adrenaline that keep us alert and ready to respond to whatever comes our way. These fight-or-flight responses are designed to help us deal with short bursts of high stress, but living in this fight-or-flight mode day after day can do lasting harm to your body and your mind. Self-care is critical to helping us manage everyday stressors and preventing the build up of chronic stress.

But the thing is, my Friends-induced couch coma isn't really self-care; its numbing. Numbing is about avoidance; it feels great to turn off the exhaustion and tune out the mind racing over the million things I need to do tomorrow. It even feels like self-care sometimes, because it stops the flood of stress I feel after a hectic day. But it’s not self-care because it’s not refueling. Binge-watching Netflix and passing out on the couch doesn’t help me feel like myself again. It doesn’t inspire me or energize me or help me burn off excess stress hormones. It may numb the stress I’ve felt all day, but it also numbs any positive feelings I may have been able to reflect on or enjoy at the end of the day. It doesn’t really relieve the stress; it just sets it aside to be picked up again tomorrow. And that stress that gets set aside and picked up again and again day after day begins to build into a powder keg of stress and pressure ready to explode. And then, (if I may use the car metaphor again), your car isn’t just out of fuel. It’s on fire. Its important to find activities that actually re-energize you, restore you, or allow you to burn off the stress of the day, rather than just numb it out.

Two things that regularly come up when I talk to clients about self care are:

1) The last thing I need is to add one more thing to my day.
2) What if I don’t know what relaxes or refuels me?

Honestly, these two things are my biggest challenges as well. But the good news is that self-care doesn’t have to be some elaborate plan, and it doesn’t have to take much effort. It starts with identifying activities that refuel you, that help you feel relaxed or soothed or give you energy or life. True self care can be as simple as listening to music you enjoy or wearing your favorite comfy socks or sweater. You don’t have to diffuse the perfect essential oil blend (unless you’re into that sort of thing); any scented candle you enjoy can be relaxing. And going for a brisk walk outside can be just as stress-relieving as a full-on gym workout. The point is to keep it simple, keep it do-able, so you’re more likely to actually do it. Just start with a simple activity that seems do-able and try it for a week. If, at the end of the week, you don’t feel better, try something else. Keep trying new things each week until you find something that works for you.

So, in this new year I’m making a renewed commitment to self-care. Won’t you join me? This week, I’ll be dancing to 80s music in my living room. What will you choose?

Need help finding a self care activity? Here are some more ideas:

• Go out in the sun and notice its warmth on your skin.

• Take a warm bath.

• Cuddle with a pet.

• Sit outside and listen to nature.

• Go for a hike.

• Visit a museum or tourist attraction.

• Try a new restaurant.

• Make art.

• Do a craft project.

• Go for a drive.

• Work on a puzzle.

• Meditate.

• Pray.

• Read poetry.

• List things for which you are grateful.

• Journal your feelings.

• Allow yourself to cry.

• Do something that makes you laugh.

• Try yoga.

• Dance around your living room.

• Stretch.

• Take a nap

• Call or hang out with a friend.

• Join a support group.

• See a therapist. 

The author, Kayla Walker, is currently accepting new clients in our Banker's Hill location and can
be reached by calling 619-272-6858 x708 or emailing kayla@anxietytraumatherapy.com

Are you a chronic over-achiever or people pleaser? How Schema-Focused Cognitive Therapy may help you!, by Erin Graves, LCSW

Are you a chronic over-achiever or people pleaser? How Schema-Focused Cognitive Therapy may help you!

Are you a highly motivated and successful individual? Do you have excessive expectations of yourself or others? Do you feel no matter what you do, you aren’t good enough? Do you sacrifice your own happiness in order to please others? If any of these questions apply to you, then Schema-Focused Cognitive Therapy may help!

In short, cognitive therapy helps people develop awareness about their thinking patterns. It helps us understand why we do what we do. There is nothing more frustrating than repeating the same patterns over and over and really having no understanding of why we do it. Schema-Focused Cognitive Therapy specifically focuses on long-standing negative core beliefs about ourselves that typically originate in childhood. Core beliefs typically come from messages reinforced by family of origin, cultural or societal norms.

According to Cheri Huber’s book There is Nothing Wrong With You: Going Beyond Self Hate, many of us have internalized conditioned beliefs that there is something wrong with us, and we are not good enough just as we are. This is where the schema categories perfectionism or people pleasing tend to show up. In order to over-compensate for feeling defective, we tend to look for external validation through accomplishments or pleasing others in attempts to validate ourselves by constantly “proving our worth”.

Often we may have limited awareness of this conditioning, as it has likely been around for years or even decades. These tendencies often operate from behind the scenes. I like to think of schema as a voice that has an almost imperceptible whisper. Unless we really tune in and listen to the subtle whisper of this voice, it will continue to reinforce negative core beliefs. This critical inner voice will continue to endure and strengthen over time if left unexamined. Alternatively, the schema may shout in a loud, obnoxious judgmental voice, criticizing what we say and do and never seems to shut up. Whether the voice of schema is loud or virtually imperceptible, it is helpful to know it is there influencing behaviors and the way we relate to ourselves and others.

It is important to recognize that many core beliefs from childhood were at one time helpful and adaptive to our survival, but as adults, these beliefs may be outdated and no longer serving our goals of fulfillment and self-actualization. Ironically we often identify with the conditioning, believe it to be true, and rationalize its existence as being helpful. No schema is entirely positive or negative, but with exploration we can discover which schema are activated behind the scenes and keeping us stuck in unhelpful patterns.

In Schema-Focused Cognitive Therapy, we bring awareness and attention to these enduring core beliefs, and explore the possibility of modifying or changing them if they no longer serve our values or goals, or inhibit us from becoming our most fulfilled selves.

It is ironic that many highly successful individuals, despite their levels of outward success, continue to maintain negative core beliefs about their basic worthiness. As an example, the schema of unrelenting standards and perfectionism may be the subtle insistent whisper that leads an individual to success in their professional life, but the downside of this relentless schema, may be that this individual never truly feels good enough about their achievements or themselves. We may operate as if the love, unconditional acceptance and approval we seek is always out of reach or dependent upon external validation. We may perpetually lean forward into the future without ever feeling good enough in the present moment. Schema therapy can bring awareness to the positive and negative aspects of these core beliefs, and allow space for new, more balanced beliefs to emerge.

Jeffrey Young, the pioneer of Schema Therapy, identifies eighteen separate Early Maladaptive Schemas including Emotional Deprivation, Defectiveness, Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness and Self-Sacrifice. Often an individual may have a combination of these schemas operating from behind the scenes.

The goal of Schema-Focused Cognitive Therapy is to heal Maladaptive Schemas that are no longer serving our growth or wellbeing, and develop more compassion and acceptance for our own intrinsic worthiness. After all, we are all worthy exactly as we are! It is time to get schema out of the driver’s seat and lead our own authentic, powerful lives!

The journey of Schema-Focused Cognitive Therapy with me involves a structured collaboration in cultivating awareness about Early Maladaptive Schemas, and examining how these schemas are showing up in your present adult life. We will explore the positive and negative aspects of these schemas and modify them as necessary to support your goals and values. We will integrate a variety of customized tools and activities along the way including identification of unhelpful thinking patterns, imagery, mindful-meditation and EMDR, as appropriate. You will have assignments in between sessions to bring the insights and tools of therapy into your daily life. Each client’s treatment plan is specific to her own needs. There is no “one size fits all” plan, as we all have our own unique set of core beliefs based on our individual life experiences.

If the journey of self-discovery into Schema-Focused Cognitive Therapy sounds intriguing to you, and you are motivated to show up and do the work, please contact me to set up an appointment or to gain more information with a complimentary initial phone call. I look forward to supporting you in aligning your life with your values, and connecting with your authentic self. Wishing you peace, health, wellbeing and fulfillment!

Erin Graves, LCSW

Erin Graves is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Psychotherapist and Meditation Instructor at the Therapeutic Center for Anxiety and Trauma in San Diego. She is a hiker, dog-lover and schema-junkie, who loves to see how schema work and mindful-meditation bring about peace, awareness, and transformation. Please contact her if you are interested in scheduling an appointment or learning more about what to expect from this type of therapy: erin@anxietytraumatherapy.com; 619-272-6858 x705.