How to Navigate Relationship Conflicts: The R's for Healing Relationships, by Kayla Yasuda, AMFT

You love this person, but something’s off. A recent argument left you both feeling distant, hurt, and unsure of what comes next.

As humans, we all need healthy relationships to thrive mentally, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. Whether it’s with a romantic partner, a parent, a friend, or a sibling, our relationships play a key role in our overall well-being.

But let’s be honest, relationships aren’t always easy. When conflict arises (and it will), it can leave us feeling hurt, misunderstood, and questioning whether we matter to the other person. The emotional pain and stress that come from conflict can create distance and make the relationship feel temporarily unsafe.

Here’s the truth: Conflict is a normal part of every relationship. No two people will see
eye-to-eye 100% of the time, AND THAT IS OKAY. What matters most is how we handle those moments of disconnect. Do we shut down and cut the person off entirely? Or do we lean into thediscomfort, have the hard conversations, and work together to build an even stronger relationship?

That’s where the 3 R’s come in: Rupture, Repair, and Reconnection. These are the key
stages of navigating and healing from relationship conflicts.

1. Rupture

A rupture is the initial moment of conflict or disconnect. It’s when something is said, done, or left unsaid that causes a rift in the relationship.

Maybe you felt dismissed when your partner interrupted you.
Maybe you felt disrespected when your parent raised their voice or used a harsh tone.
Maybe you felt judged when your sibling criticized a decision.
Maybe you felt abandoned when your friend didn’t show up during a difficult time.

Ruptures often trigger strong emotions like anger, sadness, shame, or disappointment. Feeling this way doesn’t make you “too sensitive” or a bad person. It simply means that the
relationship matters to you. Your emotional response is a signal that your bond with that
person has been disrupted, and you care enough to notice.

2. Repair

Repair is where healing begins. Repair happens when both people take ownership of their partin the conflict and create space to hear and to be heard. It’s about slowing down, getting
curious, and validating each other’s feelings, even when it’s hard. It doesn’t mean forgetting
what happened. It means being willing to forgive (yourself AND the other person) and begin rebuilding trust.

Truthfully, repair is hard. Most of us weren’t taught how to repair after conflict. We were taught toavoid, dismiss, fight back, or appease. That’s why repair feels unfamiliar at first. But with practice, we can learn how to slow down, be honest, and step into vulnerability.

Repair can include:

● Acknowledging the hurt that was caused (intentionally or not)
● Apologizing sincerely and taking accountability
● Clarifying intentions while honoring the impact
● Listening actively without jumping to defensiveness or blame

3. Reconnection

Once repair has occurred, the final step is reconnection. Reconnection is just as important as repair. It reminds both people that the relationship is still intact. It restores a sense of security, letting you both move forward with more clarity and care.

Reconnection can be subtle, like sharing a laugh or offering a hug. Or it can be more intentional, like spending quality time together or having a meaningful conversation about how to move forward.

Reconnection can look like:

● Offering a sincere, heartfelt statement like, “It means a lot that we talked” or “Thank
you for hearing me”
● Reflecting together on what the conflict taught you
● Creating a shared plan to handle future disagreements differently
● Making time for a lighthearted shared activity you both enjoy (like cooking a meal,
walking the dog, or watching a favorite show)

In summary: Rupture is unavoidable. Repair is the healing work. Reconnection is the
glue.

If you're navigating a rupture in your own life and don’t know where to begin, you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can be a space where repair and reconnection start to feel possible again.

Kayla Yasuda is currently accepting new clients. She may be reached at 619-272-6858 X703 or kayla@anxietytraumatherapy.com

Quick and Easy Tips to Manage Distress, by Paula Pisani, LMFT

Think about the last time you got mad. Like, really mad. Or scared. How long did it take to calm down? Were you able to make rational decisions? At some point we probably all have said something like “I was out of my mind when I did that.” There’s truth to that. When the intensity of our emotions is high on the 1 to 10 distress scale, our brain shuts down as a protective measure from the overwhelm, and we are more likely to act on impulse or say something we’ll have to apologize for later. We don’t have to be hostage to our brain or our moods. In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, there are a few quick ways to decrease distress enough to be able to mindfully think about your next steps. Think of the acronym “TIPP.”

Tip Your Temperature. When your emotions are climbing the distress scale, grab a bowl and fill it with ice water. Holding your breath, submerge your face in the water, staying as long as you can. The body goes into a “dive response” and slows everything down, including your heart rate, pulse, breath and even racing thoughts. Come back up and take your emotional temperature. Are you able to think clearly? If not, do it again, as many times as needed. You can also hold ice to your eye sockets if a bowl of water isn’t within reach. When you’re calmer and able to think more rationally, you can make better coping decisions. I encourage my clients to share this with family members so they can help if needed.

Intense exercise. Exhausting the body can exhaust the mind. Try intense exercise to burn any energy related to your distress — no expensive gym membership required. You can run in place or do jumping jacks. If you’re in or near a building or parking facility, run up and down the steps as fast as you can. Anything that will exhaust you, fast.

Paced breathing. Inhale for the count of four, hold for the count of four, exhale for a slow count of four and rest for a count of four. Do this four times. This will reduce your heart rate and put you in a better position to make more mindful decisions. This also works to encourage sleep if your mind has spirited away on a world tour of regrets and anxieties.

Paired muscle relaxation. Whether we’re expected to answer emails or texts any hour of the day or if we’re sitting in bed doomscrolling, it’s no wonder our body’s default may include a stomach in knots or shoulders up around our ears. Rather than escaping mindlessly, try this: Scrunch up your toes for about 10 seconds and then relax. Notice the difference between tension and relaxation. Now move to your calf muscles. Tense those for another 10 seconds before releasing them. Notice the sensation of relaxation from your knees to your toes. Keep tensing and releasing muscle groups all the way up to your head. Notice if you’re already tense in any areas. Be sure to take note of the difference between tension and relaxation in your body. Once you have tensed and released your muscle groups, go back to your toes and scan upward. Tense and release any residual tension, and notice the difference in your body. Observe whether one arm feels heavier or one foot is warmer. Note whether your breathing is more regular or your thoughts have slowed. (This also can do wonders for those nights when the mind won’t shut off.)

Bonus tip: Practicing paced breathing and paired muscle relaxation when you don’t need them helps in two ways: It builds “muscle memory” to help us remember these skills when our brain has shut down. It also contributes a cumulative effect that keeps our central nervous system regulated longer.

Paula Pisani is currently accepting new clients and can be reached at 619-272-6858 X707 or paula@anxietytraumatherapy.com