The Human Experience, By Coleen Pellette, ASW

Albert Einstein says that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. I would beg to differ; it's not insanity, but the reality of our human existence.  We human beings are constantly engaging in the same behavioral patterns over, and over, and over again.  We aren’t doing this out of insanity but because we function like well oiled machines. We are constantly repeating behavioral patterns, not because they are safe or healthy, but because they are predictable.  Predictability isn’t always safe, but it’s less scary than the unknown.  Intergenerational patterns and values are constantly being reinforced by family members and communities, playing a huge impact on our individual lives and creating our "sense of safety." (McGoldrick, 2005). We can easily see these behavioral patterns repeat themselves when looking at family systems.

All of us come from our own family tree with very specific cultural norms.  Some of these norms are healthy and others are unhealthy.   Often when you look at families, the same patterns will repeat themselves throughout generations (McGoldrick, 2005; Forte, 2007).  Because of our desire to individualize while remaining connected to others we have generational legacies of Doctors, Lawyer, and Teachers, Patterns of Drug Addiction, Abuse, Domestic Violence, Imprisonment, and/or Trauma.  These are systemic experiences that can repeat for better or worse throughout generations. 

Looking at it from this perspective can make some feel hopeless and stuck. You may feel like there is no way out and you are bound to live the life set for you based on the system you were born into. That is until you look at how people have changed not only themselves, but their whole family system. 

We all know people who came from a troubled past- maybe they had a history of drug addiction, grew up in poverty, experienced abuse, or lived in the foster care system.  Regardless of their past and their likelihood of repeating patterns passed down through generations, they got out.  They made lives for themselves that far exceeded peoples’ expectations.  They not only changed their lives, but positively impacted their children’s lives and generations to come.  

To get out of a negative pattern you have to first realize you are stuck in one.  Realizing the problem is a systemic pattern, and that we have less autonomy in our emotional lives than we assume, can be empowering.  You start to understand the systemic family cycles pushing you to go down the path of least resistance (McGoldrick, 2005; Forte, 2007). You will get pulled into the cycle, but you don’t have to go down that road every time.  You can choose your own path.  Each time you choose your own path you are creating a new cycle; that you and others can follow in the years to come. You will also become more aware of when you are getting pulled into old cycles and pull out.  The psychological journey will be hard and you will experience a lot of resistance- you are creating a new path in the woods, when there is already a paved way. It will, however, be worthwhile in the end when you can look back on the history that you have created.

The author, Colleen Pellette (ASW68862) is currently accepting new clients. She can be reached at colleen@anxietytraumatherapy.com or by phone at 619-272-6858 x 710

References: 

McGoldrick, M. Giordano, J. Garcia-Preto, N. (2005).  Ethnicity and family therapy 3rd edition.    The Guilford Press.  New York.

Forte, J. (2007). Human Behavior and the Social Environment.  Brooks/Cole. Belmont, CA.

Communication in Conflict, By Krista Cheuk, MFT Intern

Relationships are challenging for all of us. As much as we’d all like, there isn’t a magical key to fixing all the problems that we face in romantic relationships. There are books and books dedicated to this complicated topic. However, by the end of this post, I hope I can help you develop some understanding about what triggers us in our relationships and maybe even gain a tool to help communicate with our partners.

Based on studies that have been done in the past, we can safely say that we are hardwired for relationships on a biological level from infancy, where our main bond is with our parents. This continues into adulthood, where our bond may be with a partner or spouse (Johnson, 1988). These relationships, at their best, provide the feelings of safety and consistency that we need as humans to realize our all our strengths and capabilities as individuals. Unfortunately, most of us (read: all) have not had perfect lives and have picked up pain and trauma along the way that complicates the way we relate to others. In the end, creating this ideal safe place of intimacy in a relationship is not always so easy. 

This is probably not a surprise to you, but a lot of the challenges that you and your partner face in establishing a safe, secure, and connected relationship can likely be traced back to the relationship traumas of your past (Johnson, 1988). Maybe you experienced some form of abandonment as a child or in a past relationship, and you find yourself fearing that your current partner will leave you. Or perhaps you somehow absorbed the message that you are not good enough and when your partner shares something they are unhappy with in the relationship, you find yourself crippled by feelings of failure and pull away. Additionally, we may have learned to fear conflict from what was modeled in our families and will then try to run away from it at all costs. Give yourself a moment to mull this over: What messages have I learned from my past relationships that may be affecting me now?

Once you have done that, I want you to think of the last time that you and your significant other (current or ex) got into a big fight. What was it about? What were the circumstances? Did you say things to each other that you regret? Did one of you run away from the fight you were having, while the other kept trying to step up the conflict? 

Now lets go even deeper, beneath what happened and into the underlying feelings. Dig beneath any residual feelings of anger and resentment and ask yourself, “What was I really feeling in that moment?”. Even if the fight started about something small, like taking out the trash, I can pretty much guarantee that it still had a vulnerable emotion underneath it, probably tied to one of those painful messages you learned previously. Were you afraid they didn’t care about you because they forgot to call you? Or were you overwhelmed by their jealousy or emotional needs? Were you hurt or scared? Rejected? Maybe a memory from the past gets dredged up with these feelings. Give yourself a moment to delve in here, because these more vulnerable feelings are probably the crux of that conflict you had (Johnson, 1988).

To help you out a bit, here’s an example of a recent conflict from my relationship with my husband. My husband loves to play phone games. Constantly. All the time. And I get irritated with him about this. Constantly. All the time. One day, when I saw him playing games on his phone while we were sitting on the couch together, I snapped, “WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT THOSE STUPID GAMES!?”. Very mature, right? Looking back on it now, I realize that I was feeling a sense of rejection underneath that outburst. I was hurt that he was spending time with these online friends playing phone games, and wasn’t looking to me for intimacy instead. When I finally slowed down to realize this and express that to him, he was much more receptive to my message and understood where I was coming from. 

When one partner gets triggered by something like this, couple conflict can easily devolve into a back and forth, where we can escalate into harsher language towards one another. The anger only grows bigger to cover up the underlying pain or fear I just talked about. One person might get more and more angry, while the other may try to minimize the conflict and escape to their own world. The past relationship traumas have started to run show when this happens. 

However, we can disarm this destructive pattern when we can start off our conflict by gently sharing our vulnerable emotion and work with our partner to get our relationship needs addressed. It is so much easier to listen when you hear “Hey, I have been feeling sad because we haven’t gotten to spend much time together lately. Can we do something about that?” in comparison to “Why are you such a jerk? You never pay attention to me anymore”. By starting off with the vulnerable emotion, you as a coupleare able to approach the conflict as a team, instead of being set against one another. 

Let’s review really quickly. First, we are wired to be in relationships, but can be affected by the scars and traumas from our past. Next, underneath our anger and frustration, we can usually find a vulnerable emotion underneath it that is what really needs to be addressed. Lastly, communicating this vulnerable emotion with our partner can lead to more receptivity and cooperation in your conflict as a couple. 

Now this blog post only scratched the surface of this topic, but I want to leave you with this thought: relationships are hard work and it can be very helpful to have a mental health professional work through these tough issues with you. I shared some of my process with how I see couples work as a therapist, but there can be a lot to sift through if you are in distress and are trying to fix your relationship on your own. Sometimes it is important to have someone else with an outside perspective on the your relationship’s team. Know that it takes great strength to acknowledge the need for and ask for help, and it can be greatly rewarding for you and your partner.

Reference: Johnson, S. (1988). Emotionally focused therapy for couples. New York, NY. The Guilford Press.

The author of this post, Krista Cheuk (MFT Intern #95814) is currently accepting new clients. She can be reached at krista@anxietytraumatherapy.com & via phone at (619) 272-6858 x704. 

P.S. This article is intended for couple’s that are not in a physically violent relationship. If you find yourself in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship and are concerned for your safety, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-7233 or find resources on their website http://www.thehotline.org/resources/.